I have left my Shire. It can't be better phrased. Losing ALL things familiar and keeping a budget are idle and unexciting tales I know, and not exactly the kind of adventures told in books. How will 'Budgeting Tips 101' ever beat 'The Lion, the Witch, and Tita Ingkai' in my nieces' books? But even in my secluded world of wizards and marshwiggles, I know that someday, the kids who think Tita Ingkai is the coolest for beating giants will cease being kids and realize that Tita Ingkai can't keep a job. That's why I'm holding on now... and moving on, at the same time.
I miss home, and friends, and beach escapades, and picnics, and books, and dinners, and just being with people I care about. In short, I miss Life. I really don't remember living the last three months - I have been GOOGLING more like it. I'm on my own so I google on what to do. I googled for jobs. I googled for maps and how to get from here to there. I google when something confuses me. I google when I feel sick and when I got acne breakouts, I googled yet again. Really, I'd be marrying Google any day now.
But you know what's funny? I've never really been lost by trusting that voice in my head though it sounds sick. EVER. So instead of wasting my energy on regrets, I pause and reflect on why of the hundreds in the city, I always get to ride the right bus, or get that weird feeling that I need to get out on the next stop which then turns out to be the right street. For months now, I've been feeling like a slave of Somebody in my mind and as long as I follow, nothing goes wrong.
By 'nothing wrong', I don't mean mistake-free. I think my whole life is made out of mistakes, so I don't really fear making one. Sometimes, it's a breath of fresh air when you screw things up and remind people that you are no rainmaker.
I'm 27 and I still hate complications and mediocrity. I still don't talk to people I don't like (a sizeable portion of the human population) and I know that If I were a bit less of an OC with penchant on all things normal, I'd be happier. But being a Gen for a decade now made me see people of Job-like miseries, I being only poked in the head by Fate and them being completely shoved to the ground. I'm a witch or mentally equivalent of one if I complain of my blessings. So yes, I am happy.
Adulthood, like impossible mutiplications (more than 3 digits in my case) is still tough to comprehend. At times, I throw a fit at people magnifying your potentials and putting too much on your shoulders. Weird but when you've given one best, even a dozen good would never measure up. And when you've done something good, you'd be expected to do more good... it doesn't really stop until you realize it is ok to be weak sometimes.
Like in the great stories, your character dictates plot sequences and not the otherwise. When you lose sight of who you are, you lose your part in the plot. Stories come and go but to remain in character is a choice. It is always a choice.
When I wake up feeling wasted instead of rested, I would hear Puddleglum saying 'Bingkai, life is not all fricaseed frog and eel pie'. Then I laugh at my own folly, drink coffee, and feel wonderful. Do I deserve jail time for choosing the Neverland life? In a few years I'd be married, or have children to make stories with, or be a nun and destroy religion... who knows really? The happy-ever-after part is still a leap of faith and for now, once-upon-a-time is enough for me. Dreams and directions always go right to characters who think right.
In great stories, they always do.
